A Bundle of Raw Nerves With No Epidermis

I am an easily overwhelmed individual. Not to say that I am meek. I am not. I gobble up experience - then I have indigestion - then I projectile vomit. Repeat X infinity.

I burst into a room with my head held high, then find the nearest corner and creep in the shadows, where I am least at risk of attack of any kind. I love people, I love to find out their childhood stories, their deepest desires, their worst (best) puns. I also assume they hate me and would like me to leave the premise or they will call security. It’s odd to be a walking contradiction in this way. My brother, who knows me in all my idiosyncrasies, refers to me as a bundle of raw nerves with no epidermis. 

This is the life of an empath, with a shit ton of ambition, who oscillates wildly between the unquestioned assumption that, though she has mad skills and consistent output, because she is an artist, she ultimately is seen as low value to her $NYC$ $habitat$ ($$$) AND the knowing that because she is tuned into the unseen world of emotions, which are the real stuffs of influencing the peoples, its only a matter of time before she reigns supreme. IDK. It’s exhausting. Don’t do it this way. If you know of another way, tell me all the things.

to the point…

I am currently in the throws of rebuilding my life and schedule (AGAIN) 

I am not returning to NYU this semester, I will be freelancing, making an album, putting together a tour, building my business (my own brand really as a Composer, Singer, Producer) working at a yoga studio/temping and reapplying to Princeton for a PhD in Music Composition (I was waitlisted last year and asked to reapply with more chamber/written works in December). Cool.

This morning I applied at a temp agency then graced a WeWork lunch table in the financial district to hack out a business plan. And by hack out a business plan I mean scatter all my thoughts across 30 chrome tabs, my notes app and my iCal, feel immediately overwhelmed, call a friend, drink too much coffee, take frequent bathroom breaks to lighten the existential load and stare at the wall… Then write a blog about it….

The plan of turning myself into a business. The plan of making a living off of my work, the plan of finally taking the steps to devour NYC.

Since I moved here last July I have….. survived. That is apparently a huge accomplishment according to my friends, who have also awarded themselves the “first year in NYC and not dead or broken or going back to Yahoo, Indiana” prize, or whatever. 

It’s not so obvious the way NYC breaks you down. I think thats the problem. if I could have seen it coming, I would have navigated the blows more gracefully . 

I am a first class empath, a prize winning potential threat noticer and closet catastrophizer. (Contradiction admission: I am also, a space cadet…. “Do I contradict myself? Very well, I contradict myself, I am large and I contain multitudes!” -Uncle Walt. Walt Whitman.) I am a renown street rat, a boundary evader…okay pusher.. and I have always had the thought bubble, “meh, I’ll show up, act like I belong, mind my own business and no one will care…” 

Here’s the thing… The boundary pushers of the world all flock to NYC to elbow grease their way to the summit of - I don’t even know - So, where as, in Chicago, people would generally see a young girl in a sundress, working on a laptop with her headphones in, keeping to herself and think “ *~*~*”… in NYC, no one is afraid to shake you out of your chair and tell you to get lost or they are calling security. Which brings me to my news alert (the reminder of this blog will be in third person. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk)…. Hope Littwin has decided to devour the world in her devour/vomit ritual until she masters her nerves and grows an epidermis.

She is going to write new tunes; Produce an album; Update her social platforms with regular blogs and music jams and songs and vlogs; Show up to your open mics; Write music for your films; Jam with your band; Orchestrate and Arrange for your ensemble and show you her favorite deep breathing exercises to calm impending anxiety attacks. Subscribe to her Youtube Page! Follow her on instagram/Facebook/Twitter! Check out her website at www.hopelittwin.com. Follow her on Spotify, Apple Music and Amazon Music!

If you want Hope to perform in your City; in your kitchen; at your office quarterly meeting; at your Whole Foods next to the peaches; on your party bus going to the end of the world, email her at music@hopelittwin.com. If you see Hope wandering around NYC producing music on her laptop in various shadowy corners of coffee shops and WeWorks, approach her and request music, she will probably make it for you fresh to order! And please, whatever you do, don’t call security, she doesn’t even have an epidermis. 

(Smile courtesy of a dare from April Uhlir to smile in a picture 👹)